Busy - Busy - Busy

I'm amazed at how busy 2 kids, a house and a full-time job keep me.

Both kids are doing wonderful :o)

My doctor put me on medication to help with the PPD, seems to be working :o)

I got a raise at work - woohoo - first one in 2 years. Everything is going so much better there.

Just getting ready for Christmas and working hard.

3 Years Already!!!!

My daughter is officially 3 years old, she has been for the past 24 hours.

We had a party for her at her sitters complete with pizza, cup cakes and party favors. On Sunday we're having the big get together for her.

Its an amazing feeling to look into your childs little face and know that you have helped mold him or her into the little person they are becoming.

Happy Birthday sweet baby girl - we all love you very much.

Almost 3 years later

Three years ago today I was sitting in my grandparents house rubbing my belly (like I did all the time) wondering when my daughter was going to come into this world. I was probably putting the finishing touches on things at home, making sure my hospital bag was packed and in my grandma's car and setting up the car seat.

Today I'm sitting at home with my daughter sleeping on the couch and my son sleeping on the other running down a list of things I need for my daughters 3rd birthday party next Sunday. On Wednesday, November 5th my sweet little girl will be 3.

Every time I look into her little face I wonder where the past 3 years have gone. She is getting so big and so darn independent.

I took my daughter to Wal-Mart last month and ask her what she wanted her birthday party to be this year. Last year was rubber ducks - I swear there were a million plastic ducks around the hall we used. For her first birthday hubby and I decided on Tinkerbell - we figured it'd be one of the last times it was something super girly until she becomes a teenager. Surprisingly my daughter choose Spongebob for her party this year.

Well party plans are not going to finish themselves.

Something's not right

I've noticed in the past several weeks that something is off in me, I'm not myself. I'm not an overly happy person on the outside, I have a lot of trouble trusting people and showing emotions of happiness.

I have two beautiful children, an amazing husband, a home, a family that loves me and I love them, a job and I'm healthy and so is my family. Despite all that I have I'm still sad, I find myself in tears while icing cup cakes, when I'm prepping a client file at work, feeding my son or just being with my family.

Tonight I was going to take some stuff over to my aunts house for her granddaughters. I wanted my uncle to meet my son since he'll be 8 weeks and he hasn't had the opportunity to yet. When I called to see if they'd be home I was greeted by my aunt who was very pleasant and found out my uncle is still out on the road and he'll be home Sunday. No problem - but as soon as I hung up from her I cried.

I need adult interaction, I need to spend my evenings with someone over the age of 3 (almost 11/5). My husband has been working until 9:00pm and he gets home around 10:00pm - the married single mom thing is getting old.

Thankful for Dad

Hubby and I have 4 cars, 2 more than we need but its nice to have a spare :o) Two of Hubbys cars are not running right now so he's been driving my little VW Jetta, its funny because hubby is 6'3". The other day he called me and said he was having issues with the car and it was overheating, the coolant was low so he filled it and it happened again the next day. So last night I called my daddy - he's a VW Mechanic - and told him the problem, this morning he came over and fixed my car so Hubby could drive it to work without having issues with it.

For My Mom

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM.

I miss you every single day, I wish you were here to see your grandchildren.

The other week I was walking through a store when a woman in her mid-40's rushed by me, I swore she was you. In a quick glance she looked like you but the real kicker was she wore your perfume - Obsession. I walked through the store until I found her again jsut so I could prove to myself that she wasn't you.

I had 19 wonderful years with you, my time with you was cut short but I am so very thankful for the time I had with you.

I named your granddaughter after you, well I gave her part of your name - the long version. She reminds me so much of you, from her looks to her little personality. I told hubby when I was pregnant with her that I wanted her to be like you - determined and independent and boy is she ever that way :o)

So today on what would have been your 48th birthday I love and miss you so very much. Happy Birthday in Heaven mom, I'm sure Nan and Pap, Uncle C, Uncle T and all our other loved ones that passed were there to celebrate with you.

Whirlwind week

Well I started back to work this week, it was tough and I'm still struggling to find my grove. I'm exhausted by the time I get home and make dinner.

My cousins non-girlfriend had their baby on Tuesday, a healthy baby girl - a cutie too if I might say so. She was 2 weeks early and still weighed in at 7lbs 10oz and 19.50 inches long.

The sitter started potty training my almost 3 year old - that's a nightmare in itself. She decided today she was going to use the potty 4 times then informed the sitter "I'm tired of the potty" OMG I swear she is mine but I have no clue where she comes up with this stuff.

Then tonight my grandma called me and said she'd call me back later, within seconds she was calling again. My aunts husband has children from his first marriage, 4 grown children 18+ in age. The 18 year old hit a telephone head on and they were taking her to the hospital - she was non-responsive. I have no clue what that really means, so here I sit waiting for the phone to ring again and tell me what the "non-responsive" means. Does it mean she's just unconscious from the accident does it me that her time here on earth is over??? I have no clue, I'm just praying that it means she's knocked herself out, amnesia is better than what could be.

Saturday would be my moms 48th birthday - I'm celebrating it in a different way this year - I'm having a professional photographer take my childrens pictures. I'm so excited to have her photograph the kids - she is amazing. Sure the photos are going to be more expensive then what I've paid before but in my eyes if you want a good quality picture you pay for it. I've checked out her web site and she's photographed weddings, local judges and senior pictures.

So if you read this blog please, please pray for my cousin, pray that the "non-responsive" just means she knocked herself out, please pray that my uncle doesn't have to experience the pain of loosing a child - a very bright, sweet and loving child. Pray that my family does not have to experience the heartache of loosing another loved one at a very young age.

UPDATE 11:46PM
My grandma called and the "non-responsive" just meant she was unconcious. So far all we know is that she has a bruised shoulder and a broken jaw. Due to her non-responsive state they Life Flighted her to a nearby hospital.

Please continue to keep her in your prayers - healing is going to be very difficult and painful.

Appreciating Hubby

All too often I think we as wives, girlfriends, signifiant others tend to forget how sweet and loving the other half can be. I think I am the number one offender of forgetting to show my hubby appreciation for all he does for me.

Today he made sure he had off work the entire day, I was having a laproscopic tubal ligation done. He sat in the waiting room when they called me back to prep me for surgery, when the nurse realized he was out there she went out and brought him back for me (I was there for maybe 2 minutes), she had a great personality and everything so that made the prep go better. Once he was in the curtain room with me she said he was "trained well" because he was carrying my Coach purse upright and carefully so he didn't disturb the contents. He sat with me until it was my turn for surgery then he walked back to the OR main doors and kissed me, wished me luck and waited until he couldn't see my bed before he walked away to put my purse in the car. The nurse commented on how nice it was to see a younger couple so in love and so apprecaitive of each other.

Once I was in the OR my OB-Gyn helped get me settled in and held my hand until I fell asleep, thankfully he was my late mom's Gyno and knew how much of an emotional basketcase I can be. I woke up in the Recovery room and the Ob-Gyn came to tell me that everything went well and that he'd be back by later. He then walked out to the waiting room and told my hubby personally that the surgery went well. That and he wanted to talk TV's with my hubby since he is an large appliance Salesman.

The nurses in the after care room went out and got hubby for me and he sat with me waiting until I was sent home. Once home he made lunch/dinner (it was 3:00 almost) of hot dogs and tater tots, its okay that he's not a chef I love him for thinking of me. Then he laid in bed with me and watched The Waterhorse while I slept.

He keeps popping in to check on me when I'm in bed and now that I'm on the computer and he's in the living room he's listening for me.

I just appreciate all the small things he does for me, I don't always acknowledge them daily but they do mean a lot to me.

I love you dear sweet hubby of mine, we've spent 10 wonderful years together (married for 1.5) and I can't wait to see what the next 10 years hold in store for us.

Mommy Brain and random thoughts

The other day I dropped my daughter off at the sitters and headed home with my son, now I know people probably think I am horrible for taking my daughter and leaving her with our loved and trusted sitter and spending the day with my son. The sitter had a heart cath done and can not lift the baby until she is released from the doctors care on the 15th - trust me I want him to get used to the sitters sounds and smell :o)

I leaned over to the passenger seat when we got home and grabbed my purse, the diaper bag and some odds and ends, opened the car door and stepped out with keys in my hand. I took a few steps towards the back of the car and realized OMG the baby - I almost forgot he was sleeping peacefully in the back seat sung in his car seat.

Then the other evening I got my daughter dinner made myself a plate and sat down - about 3 bites into the meal I realized why the baby was crying - I left his freshly made bottle on the kitchen table, poor baby was hungry and I was sidetracked once again by something. I wouldn't have forgotten the bottle if he had been awake when I dished out dinner - Mothers Intuition told me he'd be waking up shortly and would want to eat.

Thankfully I've never really forgotten him in the car for several hours or minutes for that fact and I always remember to feed him.

But my husband told me some good news the other day - they hired a 3rd sales man so hubby won't be working 11 hours days every day, he'll have some mornings off and sometimes evenings home with the family - I'm so excited to have my husband home in the evenings or even to have a day to spend with him.

4 weeks already

My son is 4 weeks old now, it breaks my heart to look in his little face and know that I have to go back to work in 2 weeks.

I'm not ready to go back to the daily grind, I want to sit at home and love my babies every day.

Well my little boss is yelling for food and my little sweetie is probably trying to mother him which is making it worse.

Almost 2 weeks

My baby boy is almost 2 weeks old, I remember sitting in front of the computer two weeks ago today and thinking, tomorrow is the start of the end. I was scheduled to be induced on the 8th when I woke up at 7:30 am in labor.

I remember being so darn miserable because I was seriously over due and the doctors wouldn't do anything for me. I was a bear those last few weeks, I tried everything they suggested to kick start labor naturally and NOTHING worked. I tried walking, sex, pineapples, spicy foods (as spicy as I could handle) and nothing worked. I'm still curious if the Chinese I had for dinner the night before I went into labor had anything to do with it!!! Guess I'll never know now.

So in the first week my son was home he gained 5 ounces and went back up to his birth weight plus an ounce more. He's getting more and more alert every day - today he spent a good hour and a half just laying in my arms with his eyes wide open and smiling at me. Right now he's snoozing in his papason chair on his left side (just like mommy) cuddled under his soft blue blanket.

I'm counting down the days until I have to return to work, I have about 4 weeks left at home and its breaking my heart to think of how fast this time is slipping by. Before I know it I'll be back to the hustle and bustle of the work day wondering what my babies are doing.

I have so much to do before next weekend, my sitter is throwing me a baby shower for Mr. Man ( that's his nickname). I'm excited and a little hesitant at the same time, I don't want people thinking I'm fishing for presents becasue I'm not I just want to celebrate my son the same way we celebrated our daughter - with friends and family meeting this precious little person we created. I honestly wouldn't care if anyone brought a gift - I did a registry at BRU for the 10% discount that I got on items left, I need to get a 3rd car seat base and a bigger diaper bag - with 2 kids in diapers I need as much room in a bag that I can get :o)

It only took 10 days

I hit a wall today, I finally accepted that Mom will never hold her grandchildren. I knew in my heart that she'd never hold them but my mind finally let me know that too. I looked into my sons little face and just cried. He'll never know grandma's smell, voice or touch. The same things my daughter will never know.

I think what caused the breakdown was Hubby's class reunion is this weekend, he ask his parents to watch the kids for a couple of hours and they told him that they had a picnic to go to and that they couldn't watch them. Well in a couple of weeks my in-laws will be nagging that they don't get to spend much time with their grandchildren but it is what it is. I'd give anything to be able to call my mom and see if she could watch the kids for us.

I guess I just have different views on life and I'm not going to change them for anything. In the 10-years I've known my in-laws its always been this way.

I miss you mom, I wish you were here to hold your grandchildren and give them all the love you could possibly give.

Baby Blues

So I guess I have the baby blues, I cry over small things, most of them are nothing too earth shattering either. I cry because my sister didn't come visit me in the hospital, hubby thinks I'm crazy but it hurts that she didn't come see me and my son.

I cry because my grandma had something to do this evening and I couldn't go visit with her tonight.

I cry because my daughter is at that age where you have to talk to her a million and one times to get her to pick up her toys and finally the only way to get her to listen is threaten to take something away from her.

I cry because my husband has to work until 9:00pm every night and then has an hour commute on top of it.

I cry because I have to lure my dog in the house with a hot dog because I don't have the energy to fight with her.

I cry because my mom has never held either one of my children, she has never smelled them after a bath, she has never cuddled with them and read them a book. She's never laughed at something my daughter has said or done. She has never felt the warmth of their breath on her neck or the movement of their chest rising and falling as they sleep on you.

I cry because I miss my mom - I'm 28 years old and I want my mommy like a 5 year old on the first day of school. I want to know that its all okay that I'll be okay, that she is proud of me.

In a couple of days everything should be back to normal - well my new normal.

Finally!!!!

Its taken me several days (5 to be exact) to update. My son arrived on 09/08/08, weighing in at a whopping 8lbs 5oz and 19.25 inches long.

He's perfect in every single way, he reminds me so much of my daughter from looks to the little quirks.

Here's the run down on his birth, he was scheduled for eviction on the 8th, they were going to start with the gel and move on to pitocin if needed, I had anticipated his arrival for the 9th or 10th. I've been fighting a cold for the last week and about 2:00am on Monday morning I started coughing then I got this sharp pain around my pelvic bone, I said to hubby "boy this is going to be fun, a head cold and a pulled muscle for labor". I went back to bed and continued coughing off and on for the remainder of the night, while I coughed I'd get the same sharp pain. At 7:30 am I woke up from a sound sleep with more frequent pains so I timed them. The more I walked and did stuff around the house the more intense the pains got eventually stopping me in my tracks. So I called the OB's office to tell them I was in labor and induction was not needed.

I got to the hospital around 10:00am and was admitted at 4 cm and 100% effaced. I labored in the jacuzzi tub and finally got out and requested the epidural, at 3:40pm my son was born.

I'm still adjusting to life with 2 kids but hey its only been 5 days and I figured eventually I'll become a pro and I'll figured out how to feed the baby and bathe my daughter at the same time.

Eviction in 2 days

So I'm scheduled to be induced next week. I'm ready, I'm done with this pregnancy, I've been sick and in pain for the last few weeks. Now my focus is a healthy baby.

As I laid in bed this morning with my daughter and husband I realized never again will we have a Saturday morning where its just the three of us in our cozy bed. Never again is it going to be the three of us cuddled under the blankets watching Spongebob Squarepants. Next Saturday we can have the same thing - all of us cuddled under the blankets with SpongeBob on TV but there will be a 4th person with us our son and Baby Brudder.

Its bittersweet to think about it - our family is growing and changing and we're getting bigger but its never going to be just the 3 of us again - and that's okay. A wise woman used to tell me "there's always room for one more" - I just wish that my great Grandma was here today to meet her Great-Great Grandchildren.

I was laying across the bed coughing this morning, it was one of those cough out your left lung attacks, and my husband was lying behind me when our daughter just walked up and clobbered him across the nose and eye. I don't know if she thought that daddy was hurting me or what but at that moment everything hit me....nothing is going to be the same again!

During my coughing jag I realized my mom will never meet her grandson, her granddaughter or sit with me when he crys. I can never call her for advice or just because. So I sat in the middle of my cozy bed crying hysterical because I can never have my mom back - not even for a second.

Well I'm off to shower and shave - don't want the doctor touching hairy legs when they induce :o)

Still no baby

I had a check-up today and the news is the same, he's not coming out yet.



I'm tired, I need sleep without pain, I need to be able to reach my feet without getting winded. I need to hold my son in my arms.



I'm just in a funk today, after the appointment I left and went into work, I cried hard the 10 mintues it takes me to get from the OB to my office. I managed to pull myself together long enough to walk into the office look at the sweet lady that is filling in for me and to the bathroom where it all came tumbling down again.



Why can't I get through my doctors head that my labor had to be induced with my daughter, I was 2cm and 50% for a week with her when they induced, I had my membranes stripped and nothing - she received her eviction papers and gladly joined us a couple of days later.



This guy - he's taken up shop and I think locked-up too, I've been 2cm 50% effaced for a week, my membranes have been stripped 3 times and nada.



On day he'll come.

It came and passed!!!

Well my due date was here and it passed, I'm still sitting in this chair very pregnant and ready to deliver. My husband is the calm one, I call his cell phone to give him an update every few hours so he knows all is well and the second his cell rings his boss is on the edge of his seat waiting for the "I gotta go - its time". I think its funny that a man I've met 5 times in 3 years is more paranoid about me going into labor than my own husband, maybe because Hubby and I have a "Plan", one call its nothing - just an update, 2 calls answer the phone something important that I need you for or if I call the showroom just pack up and run :o)

I was reading through my Working Mom Support Thread and they were all hoping that no update from me in the last 24 hours meant baby time - so I had to disappointment them by saying "I'm here - still".

I'm feeling pretty decent today, with the exception of mild cramping, dull lower back ache and feet in the ribs :o), I'm wondering if this is the calm before the storm they talk about!

I sat down last night and made a grocery list for hubby so if this child decides to come out he can still get us food, we're running low since I used the grocery money to pay a bill that was almost past due (oops) and I ordered pizza from my co-workers nephew so hubby had something quick to eat while I was in the hospital or just home from the hospital.

My neighbors are driving me crazy, I have a weird back door - I think its really a front door though. It has a small window at the very top of it and my neighbors kitchen window is even with this window so when I open my door I can see their kitchen and if they are in there. Well last week I was making dinner and I felt like someone was watching me, I turned around and there is my neighbor standing at whatever is in her kitchen looking into my kitchen. Now I HATE being watched so I shut my back door and hung up dish towels so they can't see in. Geesh whatever happened to privacy!

Apparently these neighbors don't care about privacy or anything that comes along with it. I mean they get drunk and will scream and fight with each other for hours on end at 3:00am, then think that hubby and I reported them to the local PD - HELLO stupid I'm not attached to you I can't hear you screaming unless the windows are opened and since I have no desire to hear what you two are fighting about and I enjoy getting my daughter to bed and having her sleep all night long I leave my windows closed.

Guess that was just another crazed rant that I needed to get off my chest.

Well I'm off to visit with family - after all I don't think my son is coming today either :o)

Tomorrow is D day

Sure I know my due date is here but I'm not convinced this child wants to come out, I'm convinced that he's completely comfortable in there and has taken up shop - I'm not completely convinced that he hasn't closed my cervix completely so he won't come out.

So I'm sitting her hoping that I go into labor tonight and nothing is happening.

3 days and some ramblings

Supposedly I have 3 days left, I doubt it though. My daughter got her eviction notice (induction) 5 days after her EDD. I have a feeling little man is going to be the same way.

I need some relief, with the pressure of him being so low and the pain in my hips I can't think of a good reason to keep this normal healthy pregnancy trucking along - lets get labor going and deliver a healthy beautiful baby boy!!! After all I am 39/40 weeks so he's safe and the risk of a NICU stay is minimal.

My poor husband is going to be completely insane if this baby does not come soon - I'm slowly driving him up the walls. Between my crazed rants about stupid stuff and my overly emotional outburst the poor guy probably just needs to head to the bar for a couple of hours, pull up a stool and enjoy a few cold ones. Maybe that will be his "present" for being such a good husband this entire time.

Funny story about me - I'm pretty computer literate (at least I like to think so). I can normally figure anything out that has to do with the computer by following some simple instructions. I've made a play list for this blog and for the life of me I can't figure out how to get the freaking thing posted. Guess I'll have to call hubby's cousin who is awesome with computers to give me "dummy" instructions for posting a play list since obviously the ones that this blog site gave me are to advanced for me :o)

Well hubby is reading our daughter a book "Barney Says" and I just heard him say "Barney says pick your nose" and I know that's not a phrase in that book - I've read it about 30 times this past weekend. Poor guy is so tired from working 10 hour days with an hour commute both was (13 hours from start to finish), then our sweet little girl kept him up until 1:00 am for some unknown reason.

Must go check in on hubby and sweetie pie to see what's happening in the living room. And at 10:40 pm she needs to get her tiny hiney in bed for the night. I'll try bribery if asking does not work, I'll tell her that Dora needs to get some sleep for her Tuesday expedition and since she loves Dora she should fall for it.

4 Days and Counting

I have 4 days left until this baby is supposed to be here. I've tried everything natural to get him to come out already and apparently he's nice and comfy in there.

I've gone into panic mode, I know my grandma is keeping my daughter while I'm in the hospital but I've never been away from her more than a day and night. She's my love bug and I'm going to go crazy when I can't cuddle with her before bed or give her a shower and wash her hair. Its the things that I do daily that I'll have trouble not being able to do during my hospital stay. Although I have to admit I am so looking forward to the day I can bend over and shave my legs in the shower without getting winded or looking like I'm super flexible.

My hubby upset his mother the other day and I sorta feel bad but at the same time I don't. In he beginning of this pregnancy he thought I said I wanted her, my grandma and him in the delivery room. I know I said I only wanted him and I - well he ask her to be there. I made him tell her she is not wanted there and we'll call when we are ready for visitors - well that threw her into a childish fit and she hasn't bothered with us all week. Part of me feels guilty for making him tell her she's not wanted there but then part of me feels like she shouldn't assume that is what I wanted. I've said it in front of plenty of people that I want this (our last baby) to be an experience my husband and I have together, I want us to bond with him and our daughter before we get the mounds of unwelcomed visitors that stay for hours on end.

I also don't want anyone at the hospital sitting in the waiting room waiting for a peek at the precious child. I want him and his sister to have a special meeting and I want her to be the first person in our families to meet and see him. Granted my daughter is almost 3 and probably doesn't understand half of what I want or the changes that are going on but still this is what I want and afterall its my body that is going to be distorted and stretched beyond anything for a while, its my body that is going to be doing all the work and its my body that has carried and cared for this baby for the last 40 weeks. I think I have a say in what happens with my newborn child.

Plus since I know people are childish and would ignore all my wishes and wants I've registered as a Private Patient for L & D. Sneaky yeah but you'd have to know my family and my in-laws, the only people in my family that would be able to get through to me is going to be my grandparents since they will have my daughter and its important that I be able to say good night to my sweetheart before she goes to bed - even if I'm in labor I want to say goodnight to her - I've done it every night since the day she was born and I'm not going to miss one night.

Any day - or so they say

Well my OB told me I can have this baby any day now. Sure - I don't feel like he's going to be coming out any time soon. I want to be able to hold my son and smell his head oh and bend over and tie my own shoes without getting winded or feeling like I'm squishing him.

Not much longer - 2 weeks at most :o)

Things to be thankful for

I remember February 2007 Hubby and I were sitting in the living room with our sweet little girl, she was 15 months old at the time, he said to me "Lets get married", completely shocked at his question I said "sure when". Now we had been engaged for many years - we just realized that one day we'd wake up and pick a date. He looked at me seriously, knowing I wanted a fall wedding and said "April 28th". I just looked at him and knew the wheels were turning in his mind. On April 26th 1998 we started dating, it was also Grandpa C.'s birthday and Grandpa had passed away December 20, 2004.



I agreed and we started making plans. This year we celebrated our first wedding anniversary, there were no presents, celebrations or anything - its not us. We just spent the evening with our daughter thankful that we had an amazing first year of marriage, a beautiful little girl and a baby boy on the way.

I think back to that warm August morning in 1999 and I remember calling him and telling him my mom was gone, I stood there and couldn't tell him where I was, my grandma grabbed the phone rattled off the location and not even an hour later he was by my side and never left it.

He's not a super romantic guy, he doesn't need a special day to tell me he loves me, nothing special to show me he loves me. I feel that in our relationship its the little things that mean the most, when I crawl out of the shower and there is a spider he'll run in and squish it for me then walk out laughing at me. When he takes his day off work and spends it doing dishes and laundry - that's what means the most to me.

One year for Valentines Day he ask me what I wanted, I said hub caps. I had gotten a flat tire several weeks before and lost a hub cap - so after work one day there he was standing beside my car proud of the hub caps he just placed on the car. I love flowers just as much as the next lady but face it on V-day they jack the price up 40% and make a killing off them. I'd rather he not spend money on flowers that are over priced and will die in 7 - 10 days anyhow.

He'll buy me flowers at random times throughout the year, like this year for my birthday he had a dozen beautiful roses sent to me at work. Nothing super special just a variety of colors and sizes and they meant so much.

Where is my sanity

Since I have about 19 days left (OMG) in this pregnancy my biggest question lately is "where the heck is my sanity", I used to have it, I had patients for little things and not too much bothered me. But wow its gone now!

The other night I left my grandparents house, on my way home I called Hubby, he was at training at the fire department (he's a volunteer) and was just finishing up and getting ready to head home. When one of the guys in the back ground decided to be a jerk and make some sexual comments in a softer voice making it sound like I interrupted them. Me feeling like a beached whale and very self concious right now went off the deep end, there I was driving down a busy road in tears. Thankfully Old Man (honestly that's his nick name) put this guy in his place. I've hit the point where I can't shave my legs without assistance, if I have to tie my shoes I'm SOL if hubby's not home. I get winded walking up the stairs to the bathroom. I'm done - this pregnancy has even limited what I can do at work - if the filing is on the bottom I have trouble doing it.

Hubby called the cable company because we were having trouble with the digital box (or so he said), so I'm wasting my Saturday waiting for them to show up and tell me nothing is wrong. I should be in the basement doing laundry but hubby didn't lug the baskets down there for me, 2 are sitting in my living room and 4 are upstairs. Hubby has a bad habit of folding his dirty laundry and not putting it in the basket so it builds up until he complains that he has no clean socks, underware, pants, ect. Then I have to scramble to get him clean clothes for work. Him doing laudnry is 100% out of the question, he's ruined quite a few white tops because sorting clothes is not important. And how many times do I have to tell that man - DO NOT WASH TOWELS WITH CLOTHES IT LEAVES FUZZIES ON THE CLOTHES!!!! I try to be reasonable and remember that he's a man and men don't always think before they react.

Right now my hubby is at work, he works for a local family owned appliance company as a Sales man, his schedule is completely jacked up, he works until 9:00pm at night and then with the commute he does not get home until 10:00pm. So my 2 year old is standing beside me with her Giggle Alert PJ's on my black crocs and her purple purse on her shoulder saying "I take daddy's old truck to work". She is convinced that daddy needs her help at work so we had to call and leave him a message to see if he needs help, hopefully by the time he calls her back she'll be down for a nap.

As I'm typing I realized that Little Man hasn't been as active this morning as he normally is, so I just leaned back in the chair and he started squirming around - its like he can read my mind and when he moves its him saying "I'm okay mom, just not much room in here".

I went to dinner with a friend the other night, I told her all about my crazed moment on Monday at 2:00am and she just sat there with me laughing. She's single and has no children (one day she'll be an amazing wife and mother) so she has no clue about the hormones of being pregnant, the lack of patients with your older children while pregnant or the way that sometimes your husband can be 110% supportive but other times its only 10%.

I called her last night and told her that my grandma went to the beach for the weekend to take care of finishing purchasing a boat, I was a little peeved that grandma who is going to watch my sweetie when I go into labor decided to drive 3.5 hours to the beach - what if this is the weekend I go into labor. To top it off my in-laws are at the beach too, they've been gone for a week. So I had to make emergency plans for my daughter incase I go early, my friend said she'd watch my sweetie and so did my baby sitter so I have two back-ups just in case.

19 days at most then it should all be over, my sleepless nights will be for different reasons then.

More crazed ramblings

So I have a bunch of more crazed hormonal ramblings.

I must warn you - I tend to go off the deep end on certain things, I get it honestly, my grandpa has a very short fuse, my mom's fuse was a tad bit longer but still short and good lord my fuse it short too.

So last night my husband said to me "I forgot to give mom & dad's cat his pill", my in-laws are on vacation and dear hubby is cat sitting for them. So at 11:50 pm he heads over to his parents house, I sit down on the couch and figure I'll relax until he comes home then trek up to bed. Well at 1:00am I wake up still on the couch, no hubby!!! So I call his cell phone - no answer, then I give him a few minutes and call back, sometimes he doesn't hear the phone the first time. So this goes on for an hour - I called my in-laws house and the fire house (he's a volunteer fire fighter) and no answer at either place. So my mind starts turning and panic sets in.

At 2:00am after 39 calls (paranoid much) I decide that I'll pack my daughter into the car and go looking for him, after all maybe he fell asleep at my in-laws, maybe he was in an accident (3 blocks from home), maybe he's having an affair!!!!!

So I wake up my sleeping daughter and pack her into the car at 2:00am (because no reasonable mom would leave her 2 year old home alone at 2:00am), and head out looking for my dear hubby, who in my mind had time to have an affair, fall asleep at the in-laws and get into a horrific accident in the 3 blocks from his parents house to ours.

I drive by the in-laws, no hubby and no car, I drive back by our house, no hubby no car, so I drive 7 blocks in the opposite direction to see if he's at the fire house, at this moment I'm telling myself "that SOB better be okay because I'm going to hurt him. As I'm getting ready to turn right into the parking lot out pops the front end of hubby's car!!!! He's leaving a fire call and heading home.

Me hysterical in tears and our daughter half asleep in her car seat, he gives me this super sensitive look but at the same time I can see in his face that "Wow she's lost her freaking mind". I knew deep in my heart that he probably had a fire call but I couldn't convince myself of that.

So I've made up my mind at my 36/27 week check-up next week I need to have a heart-to-heart with my OB and find out why I'm so crazed! Because no reasonable pregnant woman would pack her 2 year old in a car at 2:00am to go looking for her husband who is a volunteer fire fighter.

Crazy Hormones

Well I've officially hit that moment in my pregnancy - I am done, I'm ready for labor and delivery and to have this baby already. I've become a crazy hormonal pregnant whale (at least I feel like a whale). My poor husband goes to the fire house to drop off a certificate to a student he taught and I get all wigged out and think the worst. When he's at work I worry about it - I don't know why I am so crazy but I am. I log onto My Space and check out his profile (not that either of us have anything to hide) but just seeing what new stuff he's done and think "maybe he's cheating", all his friends I know except one and she's in a local band - one he probably went to see before we had kids, were married and lived together.

Our poor daughter is a typical 2 year old, active and defiant (but just lately) and I feel like I'm going to lose my mind dealing with her in the evenings. I feel that I spend a good portion of the evening yelling at her to get out of something because when I ask her to get out of what she's in she looks at me like I have 3 different faces.

And don't get me started on the dog - I love her to pieces but I can't stand half the stuff she's doing lately. Granted she's 11 months old but come on - do we need to stand at the back door and bark non-stop even after the door is opened? I correct her repeatedly when she gets into something that she's not supposed to be in or when she decides she wants to stand up to the kitchen table or sink/counter. How many times must I repeat myself in this house!!! I feel like half of my talking at home is a repeat of something I've already said.

This morning the dog had a vet appointment to get her staples removed (she was spayed 2 weeks ago) and when my husband left for the vets office I got this panicked feeling - how am I supposed to get the kid and myself ready and out the door by 7:45am? I felt completely lost without him here this morning.

So here it is after 11:00pm and I'm blogging because my daughter wants to fight me going to bed and I can only ask her so many times to get up and lay down before I blow a gasket and it turns into me yelling at her to get up and lay down. I hate that I can't just ask her something anymore and her do it - its like I have to yell at her and threaten with a time-out, no cookies (or some sweet), no going to Nanny's, no ice cream from the ice cream parlor down the road.

Once again I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes (for different reasons this time) because I'm the "mean mom" for correcting her and then I have this rock feeling in the pit of my stomach because "other mom's are better at this than I am". Geesh I know 19 year olds that have more patients with their children than I have with my 2 1/2 year old (and I'm more than 19). Maybe after evertything calms down after the birth my daughter will go back to being the sweet loving beautiful little girl that she normally is - unless of course I've scared her for life with my uncontroable ranting moments of hormonal craziness.

2 More Days

Well I have 2 days until the dreaded anniversary. Its bittersweet for me this year, I want to be happy about this baby and my daughter but I want to greive for my mom too.

I want to go back to 9 years ago and tell her one more time that I love her, hear her voice one more time, smell her perfume just one more time. I'm tired of getting a glimps of a woman around her age that looks like her and smells like her and wonder if its her. I know in my heart she is gone, but sometimes it plays tricks on me.

This year I've decided I'm having a "Remember Mom" cookout - all our family is welcome to join and celebrate her life and what kind of person she was. I want to be able to talk with people about her, remember her and just love her memory.

8 Days

Well I have 8 days until the 9th anniversary of my mom's passing. I can tell that I'm getting more and more down as the days pass - the baby is not nearly as active as he normally is but he does move at the right moments when I start to wonder if he's okay - I feel like he is telling me "I'm okay Mom".

My wonderful husband has never experienced a loss of a parent (thankfully), he also has never experienced a loss as horrific as my mom's death. The family members that he has lost have all been due to "natural causes" (heart failure or cancer). At times my husband will come home and just see the look on my face, he knows what my heart is feeling and he knows that nothing he says or does will make me feel better so he does what he knows I need from him at that moment and takes our daughter into the other room and lets me alone with my thoughts.

I have so many things I want to talk to my mom about - I want to tell her when I'm happy and share why, call her when I'm sad, cry on her shoulder when I hurt or just spend time with her. If I could go back to the day before she passed and tell her what is in my heart today I would. I'd take the opportunity to spend a little extra time with her, tell her how much I really love her and let her know that I will miss her when she's gone.

I never had the opportunity to say good-bye to my mom, I got a call at work asking me to leave, when my grandma was driving 70mph down the highway during morning rush hour traffic she dropped the bomb that "you're mom is gone, she died this morning". The one thing that confirmed it before we got to the police station was she said "He went to the house and he had a gun".

I struggle daily with being a wife and mother, I wonder if I'm doing what my family needs me to be doing, I know that sitting around sulking for a different outcome is not what they need. I try to be the best wife and mother that I know how to be, I have days where I want to hide under the covers but I know that my daughter can not get herself lunch, change her diaper or anything else she needs. My husband doesn't know what our daughters cries mean, he doesn't know that when she's nasty & cranky she needs a nap. I know that sulking will not get my full-time job done and if I'm not good at my job it could effect my employment and I need my job to help support the family that I am helping to create.

Wow 5 weeks left

So I have 5 weeks left in my second pregnancy - scared???? Yes, I'm terrified, anxious, worried and ready all at the same time.

I worry about my 2 year old daughter and what is going on in her little mind, if she's going to feel pushed to the side once this baby arrives. I wonder how she'll do when I'm in the hospital for a few days. What she's going to think of the new member of the family!

I terrified of labor & delivery this time, I was completely calm during my daughters birth, I was ready the day the doctor said "its time to induce". I drove to work knowing what the next 24 hours held - I knew that in less than 48 hours I would be holding my precious little girl.

I'm anxious to meet my son, to hold him, kiss him and give him just as much love as we give our daughter.

I miss my mom - I want her there with me when he comes into this world red, blue, gunky and screaming. I want her to witness his first breath, his first cry (scream) and to hold my hand and tell me how beautiful he is. I will never have that experience, my mom passed away 9 years ago at the hands of her husband.

I was never able to tell my mom she was going to be a grandma, that I was getting married, that I love my husband more than any man in this world (with the exception of my grandpa). That I was in love with a precious little girl that holds my heart in the palm of her sticky little hand. That I fell in love with the boy my husband and I created together and I have yet to see his little face or hold him in my arms.