8 Days

Well I have 8 days until the 9th anniversary of my mom's passing. I can tell that I'm getting more and more down as the days pass - the baby is not nearly as active as he normally is but he does move at the right moments when I start to wonder if he's okay - I feel like he is telling me "I'm okay Mom".

My wonderful husband has never experienced a loss of a parent (thankfully), he also has never experienced a loss as horrific as my mom's death. The family members that he has lost have all been due to "natural causes" (heart failure or cancer). At times my husband will come home and just see the look on my face, he knows what my heart is feeling and he knows that nothing he says or does will make me feel better so he does what he knows I need from him at that moment and takes our daughter into the other room and lets me alone with my thoughts.

I have so many things I want to talk to my mom about - I want to tell her when I'm happy and share why, call her when I'm sad, cry on her shoulder when I hurt or just spend time with her. If I could go back to the day before she passed and tell her what is in my heart today I would. I'd take the opportunity to spend a little extra time with her, tell her how much I really love her and let her know that I will miss her when she's gone.

I never had the opportunity to say good-bye to my mom, I got a call at work asking me to leave, when my grandma was driving 70mph down the highway during morning rush hour traffic she dropped the bomb that "you're mom is gone, she died this morning". The one thing that confirmed it before we got to the police station was she said "He went to the house and he had a gun".

I struggle daily with being a wife and mother, I wonder if I'm doing what my family needs me to be doing, I know that sitting around sulking for a different outcome is not what they need. I try to be the best wife and mother that I know how to be, I have days where I want to hide under the covers but I know that my daughter can not get herself lunch, change her diaper or anything else she needs. My husband doesn't know what our daughters cries mean, he doesn't know that when she's nasty & cranky she needs a nap. I know that sulking will not get my full-time job done and if I'm not good at my job it could effect my employment and I need my job to help support the family that I am helping to create.