Well I have 2 days until the dreaded anniversary. Its bittersweet for me this year, I want to be happy about this baby and my daughter but I want to greive for my mom too.
I want to go back to 9 years ago and tell her one more time that I love her, hear her voice one more time, smell her perfume just one more time. I'm tired of getting a glimps of a woman around her age that looks like her and smells like her and wonder if its her. I know in my heart she is gone, but sometimes it plays tricks on me.
This year I've decided I'm having a "Remember Mom" cookout - all our family is welcome to join and celebrate her life and what kind of person she was. I want to be able to talk with people about her, remember her and just love her memory.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
8 Days
Well I have 8 days until the 9th anniversary of my mom's passing. I can tell that I'm getting more and more down as the days pass - the baby is not nearly as active as he normally is but he does move at the right moments when I start to wonder if he's okay - I feel like he is telling me "I'm okay Mom".
My wonderful husband has never experienced a loss of a parent (thankfully), he also has never experienced a loss as horrific as my mom's death. The family members that he has lost have all been due to "natural causes" (heart failure or cancer). At times my husband will come home and just see the look on my face, he knows what my heart is feeling and he knows that nothing he says or does will make me feel better so he does what he knows I need from him at that moment and takes our daughter into the other room and lets me alone with my thoughts.
I have so many things I want to talk to my mom about - I want to tell her when I'm happy and share why, call her when I'm sad, cry on her shoulder when I hurt or just spend time with her. If I could go back to the day before she passed and tell her what is in my heart today I would. I'd take the opportunity to spend a little extra time with her, tell her how much I really love her and let her know that I will miss her when she's gone.
I never had the opportunity to say good-bye to my mom, I got a call at work asking me to leave, when my grandma was driving 70mph down the highway during morning rush hour traffic she dropped the bomb that "you're mom is gone, she died this morning". The one thing that confirmed it before we got to the police station was she said "He went to the house and he had a gun".
I struggle daily with being a wife and mother, I wonder if I'm doing what my family needs me to be doing, I know that sitting around sulking for a different outcome is not what they need. I try to be the best wife and mother that I know how to be, I have days where I want to hide under the covers but I know that my daughter can not get herself lunch, change her diaper or anything else she needs. My husband doesn't know what our daughters cries mean, he doesn't know that when she's nasty & cranky she needs a nap. I know that sulking will not get my full-time job done and if I'm not good at my job it could effect my employment and I need my job to help support the family that I am helping to create.
My wonderful husband has never experienced a loss of a parent (thankfully), he also has never experienced a loss as horrific as my mom's death. The family members that he has lost have all been due to "natural causes" (heart failure or cancer). At times my husband will come home and just see the look on my face, he knows what my heart is feeling and he knows that nothing he says or does will make me feel better so he does what he knows I need from him at that moment and takes our daughter into the other room and lets me alone with my thoughts.
I have so many things I want to talk to my mom about - I want to tell her when I'm happy and share why, call her when I'm sad, cry on her shoulder when I hurt or just spend time with her. If I could go back to the day before she passed and tell her what is in my heart today I would. I'd take the opportunity to spend a little extra time with her, tell her how much I really love her and let her know that I will miss her when she's gone.
I never had the opportunity to say good-bye to my mom, I got a call at work asking me to leave, when my grandma was driving 70mph down the highway during morning rush hour traffic she dropped the bomb that "you're mom is gone, she died this morning". The one thing that confirmed it before we got to the police station was she said "He went to the house and he had a gun".
I struggle daily with being a wife and mother, I wonder if I'm doing what my family needs me to be doing, I know that sitting around sulking for a different outcome is not what they need. I try to be the best wife and mother that I know how to be, I have days where I want to hide under the covers but I know that my daughter can not get herself lunch, change her diaper or anything else she needs. My husband doesn't know what our daughters cries mean, he doesn't know that when she's nasty & cranky she needs a nap. I know that sulking will not get my full-time job done and if I'm not good at my job it could effect my employment and I need my job to help support the family that I am helping to create.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Wow 5 weeks left
So I have 5 weeks left in my second pregnancy - scared???? Yes, I'm terrified, anxious, worried and ready all at the same time.
I worry about my 2 year old daughter and what is going on in her little mind, if she's going to feel pushed to the side once this baby arrives. I wonder how she'll do when I'm in the hospital for a few days. What she's going to think of the new member of the family!
I terrified of labor & delivery this time, I was completely calm during my daughters birth, I was ready the day the doctor said "its time to induce". I drove to work knowing what the next 24 hours held - I knew that in less than 48 hours I would be holding my precious little girl.
I'm anxious to meet my son, to hold him, kiss him and give him just as much love as we give our daughter.
I miss my mom - I want her there with me when he comes into this world red, blue, gunky and screaming. I want her to witness his first breath, his first cry (scream) and to hold my hand and tell me how beautiful he is. I will never have that experience, my mom passed away 9 years ago at the hands of her husband.
I was never able to tell my mom she was going to be a grandma, that I was getting married, that I love my husband more than any man in this world (with the exception of my grandpa). That I was in love with a precious little girl that holds my heart in the palm of her sticky little hand. That I fell in love with the boy my husband and I created together and I have yet to see his little face or hold him in my arms.
I worry about my 2 year old daughter and what is going on in her little mind, if she's going to feel pushed to the side once this baby arrives. I wonder how she'll do when I'm in the hospital for a few days. What she's going to think of the new member of the family!
I terrified of labor & delivery this time, I was completely calm during my daughters birth, I was ready the day the doctor said "its time to induce". I drove to work knowing what the next 24 hours held - I knew that in less than 48 hours I would be holding my precious little girl.
I'm anxious to meet my son, to hold him, kiss him and give him just as much love as we give our daughter.
I miss my mom - I want her there with me when he comes into this world red, blue, gunky and screaming. I want her to witness his first breath, his first cry (scream) and to hold my hand and tell me how beautiful he is. I will never have that experience, my mom passed away 9 years ago at the hands of her husband.
I was never able to tell my mom she was going to be a grandma, that I was getting married, that I love my husband more than any man in this world (with the exception of my grandpa). That I was in love with a precious little girl that holds my heart in the palm of her sticky little hand. That I fell in love with the boy my husband and I created together and I have yet to see his little face or hold him in my arms.
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