Something's not right

I've noticed in the past several weeks that something is off in me, I'm not myself. I'm not an overly happy person on the outside, I have a lot of trouble trusting people and showing emotions of happiness.

I have two beautiful children, an amazing husband, a home, a family that loves me and I love them, a job and I'm healthy and so is my family. Despite all that I have I'm still sad, I find myself in tears while icing cup cakes, when I'm prepping a client file at work, feeding my son or just being with my family.

Tonight I was going to take some stuff over to my aunts house for her granddaughters. I wanted my uncle to meet my son since he'll be 8 weeks and he hasn't had the opportunity to yet. When I called to see if they'd be home I was greeted by my aunt who was very pleasant and found out my uncle is still out on the road and he'll be home Sunday. No problem - but as soon as I hung up from her I cried.

I need adult interaction, I need to spend my evenings with someone over the age of 3 (almost 11/5). My husband has been working until 9:00pm and he gets home around 10:00pm - the married single mom thing is getting old.

Thankful for Dad

Hubby and I have 4 cars, 2 more than we need but its nice to have a spare :o) Two of Hubbys cars are not running right now so he's been driving my little VW Jetta, its funny because hubby is 6'3". The other day he called me and said he was having issues with the car and it was overheating, the coolant was low so he filled it and it happened again the next day. So last night I called my daddy - he's a VW Mechanic - and told him the problem, this morning he came over and fixed my car so Hubby could drive it to work without having issues with it.

For My Mom

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM.

I miss you every single day, I wish you were here to see your grandchildren.

The other week I was walking through a store when a woman in her mid-40's rushed by me, I swore she was you. In a quick glance she looked like you but the real kicker was she wore your perfume - Obsession. I walked through the store until I found her again jsut so I could prove to myself that she wasn't you.

I had 19 wonderful years with you, my time with you was cut short but I am so very thankful for the time I had with you.

I named your granddaughter after you, well I gave her part of your name - the long version. She reminds me so much of you, from her looks to her little personality. I told hubby when I was pregnant with her that I wanted her to be like you - determined and independent and boy is she ever that way :o)

So today on what would have been your 48th birthday I love and miss you so very much. Happy Birthday in Heaven mom, I'm sure Nan and Pap, Uncle C, Uncle T and all our other loved ones that passed were there to celebrate with you.

Whirlwind week

Well I started back to work this week, it was tough and I'm still struggling to find my grove. I'm exhausted by the time I get home and make dinner.

My cousins non-girlfriend had their baby on Tuesday, a healthy baby girl - a cutie too if I might say so. She was 2 weeks early and still weighed in at 7lbs 10oz and 19.50 inches long.

The sitter started potty training my almost 3 year old - that's a nightmare in itself. She decided today she was going to use the potty 4 times then informed the sitter "I'm tired of the potty" OMG I swear she is mine but I have no clue where she comes up with this stuff.

Then tonight my grandma called me and said she'd call me back later, within seconds she was calling again. My aunts husband has children from his first marriage, 4 grown children 18+ in age. The 18 year old hit a telephone head on and they were taking her to the hospital - she was non-responsive. I have no clue what that really means, so here I sit waiting for the phone to ring again and tell me what the "non-responsive" means. Does it mean she's just unconscious from the accident does it me that her time here on earth is over??? I have no clue, I'm just praying that it means she's knocked herself out, amnesia is better than what could be.

Saturday would be my moms 48th birthday - I'm celebrating it in a different way this year - I'm having a professional photographer take my childrens pictures. I'm so excited to have her photograph the kids - she is amazing. Sure the photos are going to be more expensive then what I've paid before but in my eyes if you want a good quality picture you pay for it. I've checked out her web site and she's photographed weddings, local judges and senior pictures.

So if you read this blog please, please pray for my cousin, pray that the "non-responsive" just means she knocked herself out, please pray that my uncle doesn't have to experience the pain of loosing a child - a very bright, sweet and loving child. Pray that my family does not have to experience the heartache of loosing another loved one at a very young age.

UPDATE 11:46PM
My grandma called and the "non-responsive" just meant she was unconcious. So far all we know is that she has a bruised shoulder and a broken jaw. Due to her non-responsive state they Life Flighted her to a nearby hospital.

Please continue to keep her in your prayers - healing is going to be very difficult and painful.

Appreciating Hubby

All too often I think we as wives, girlfriends, signifiant others tend to forget how sweet and loving the other half can be. I think I am the number one offender of forgetting to show my hubby appreciation for all he does for me.

Today he made sure he had off work the entire day, I was having a laproscopic tubal ligation done. He sat in the waiting room when they called me back to prep me for surgery, when the nurse realized he was out there she went out and brought him back for me (I was there for maybe 2 minutes), she had a great personality and everything so that made the prep go better. Once he was in the curtain room with me she said he was "trained well" because he was carrying my Coach purse upright and carefully so he didn't disturb the contents. He sat with me until it was my turn for surgery then he walked back to the OR main doors and kissed me, wished me luck and waited until he couldn't see my bed before he walked away to put my purse in the car. The nurse commented on how nice it was to see a younger couple so in love and so apprecaitive of each other.

Once I was in the OR my OB-Gyn helped get me settled in and held my hand until I fell asleep, thankfully he was my late mom's Gyno and knew how much of an emotional basketcase I can be. I woke up in the Recovery room and the Ob-Gyn came to tell me that everything went well and that he'd be back by later. He then walked out to the waiting room and told my hubby personally that the surgery went well. That and he wanted to talk TV's with my hubby since he is an large appliance Salesman.

The nurses in the after care room went out and got hubby for me and he sat with me waiting until I was sent home. Once home he made lunch/dinner (it was 3:00 almost) of hot dogs and tater tots, its okay that he's not a chef I love him for thinking of me. Then he laid in bed with me and watched The Waterhorse while I slept.

He keeps popping in to check on me when I'm in bed and now that I'm on the computer and he's in the living room he's listening for me.

I just appreciate all the small things he does for me, I don't always acknowledge them daily but they do mean a lot to me.

I love you dear sweet hubby of mine, we've spent 10 wonderful years together (married for 1.5) and I can't wait to see what the next 10 years hold in store for us.

Mommy Brain and random thoughts

The other day I dropped my daughter off at the sitters and headed home with my son, now I know people probably think I am horrible for taking my daughter and leaving her with our loved and trusted sitter and spending the day with my son. The sitter had a heart cath done and can not lift the baby until she is released from the doctors care on the 15th - trust me I want him to get used to the sitters sounds and smell :o)

I leaned over to the passenger seat when we got home and grabbed my purse, the diaper bag and some odds and ends, opened the car door and stepped out with keys in my hand. I took a few steps towards the back of the car and realized OMG the baby - I almost forgot he was sleeping peacefully in the back seat sung in his car seat.

Then the other evening I got my daughter dinner made myself a plate and sat down - about 3 bites into the meal I realized why the baby was crying - I left his freshly made bottle on the kitchen table, poor baby was hungry and I was sidetracked once again by something. I wouldn't have forgotten the bottle if he had been awake when I dished out dinner - Mothers Intuition told me he'd be waking up shortly and would want to eat.

Thankfully I've never really forgotten him in the car for several hours or minutes for that fact and I always remember to feed him.

But my husband told me some good news the other day - they hired a 3rd sales man so hubby won't be working 11 hours days every day, he'll have some mornings off and sometimes evenings home with the family - I'm so excited to have my husband home in the evenings or even to have a day to spend with him.

4 weeks already

My son is 4 weeks old now, it breaks my heart to look in his little face and know that I have to go back to work in 2 weeks.

I'm not ready to go back to the daily grind, I want to sit at home and love my babies every day.

Well my little boss is yelling for food and my little sweetie is probably trying to mother him which is making it worse.